Yesterday I was 12 weeks which is a totally blessing from God but also at the same time I still have so much fear that I need to give up to God and understand that He is in control over everything that happens.
The past few days I have totally been struggling with thoughts about losing this little baby. I have no idea what triggered these thoughts, but I have them all the time. I know that thoughts like this come along with multiple miscarriages, but I thought that I was handling them pretty well. I can not wait for my ultrasound next Monday but at the same time I don't want to go because I am so scared that they are going to tell me that there is no heartbeat, I don't want to deal with that again! I know that I need to embrace this pregnancy and I am going to try but at the same time it is so hard to do. I have this journal that I wrote in when I was pregnant with Sydney and I still write in it. I want to give it to her when she gets older. Anyways, I did this with the baby that we lost in March. I wrote it it everyday for 13 weeks until we lost the baby...after I lost the baby I threw it away I could not even look at it. Now I am 12 weeks and I still can not write in the journal that I have for this little one...and I have no idea when I will be comfortable doing it.
Again I just want you to know that I am extremely excited about this little one...I just have some fear that comes along with it. And thank-you to those you have been there for me everyday during this pregnancy, I have no idea what I would do without you!!