Alright so if you know me at all you know that I tend to be pretty good at holding in my emotions in until I end up exploding or having an emotional breakdown, which is totally not pretty when I'm pregnant.
I never thought that I would be the one to struggle with trying to figure out how to love another baby. I mean I have told my husband a million times that your heart just does it. Well for the first time I actually can not believe what I am saying. How am I going to love this little baby like I already love my little girl? Everyone has told me as mother we just do it, but I want to know how and I want to love this little boy as much as I love Sydney but right now its just not happening. Don't get me wrong, I love this little miracle and it is something that Mike and I have wanted for over a year and he is almost here but at the same time I am actually scared. I am not scared of life with two kids or how I am going to do it, or how hard it is going to be going from one to two kids. I am actually scared of how I am going to love two of my kids when it seems like I already love Sydney with my whole heart.
When I was pregnant with Sydney all I knew was that I better be having a boy because I have no idea what to do with a little girl. Well God obviously was laughing because he decided to bless us with a little girl. This time I really did not care I just wanted another baby, but secretly I wanted another girl, God thought differently. Boys are so different than girls that it is going to take a lot of time for me to understand how little boys work and all that jazz.
So praying has been a big thing for me these past few days when I actually found out what the heck was really bothering me. The funny thing it is came out after I had lunch with my husband on monday and realized that this was my issue. I pray that God solves my little issue fast so that I can enjoy this little boy!