Well I can not believe that it has been one week since my precious little boy was born. I keep thinking about that day a week ago and actually am so blessed at how that day played out and everything that happened. I had a pretty easy labor until the last 45 min and the whole day went by quick and I had 2 amazing people with me when I was having him. I would not change a single thing that day!
This week has been really hard on me, like I have said in the past three posts :) I just think about my pregnancy and how much I just wanted to hold this little boy and that day finally came. I just never thought that he would be sick, and never in a million years did I think I would be the one that caused it. This guilt is haunting me and I really need to give it up to the Lord and I know that it will be an everyday battle but I know that I have to get to that point because I am already starting to shut down. I am striving to lean on the Lord through all of this but my flesh is interfering and in a few days it will be too late.
Nothing will change the love that I have for this little boy and he has already brought so much happiness into our lives. He is such a cutie! I just don't know who he is yet. I have not been able to spend the time that I would like with him, holding him, snuggling with him and just being his mom. It is so hard to be away from your child. I cannot express the whole in my heart because I do not have him home with me, and for the first time I can somewhat understand what it is like to have a child and not be able to bring them home because of a sickness or something like that. I know that one day soon Seth will be able to come home I just feel like I do not know my own child. Maybe God is trying to teach me that these are not my kids but rather His and He is allowing me to be their parents and what a wonderful gift that is but this is a really hard way to teach me, if that is what He is doing, but I really don't know I am just trying to wrap my head around it all.
Anyways I have been reading this verse over and over again and know that God made Seth just the way he should be its just so hard to get over the fact that even though he is perfect and wonderfully made I still have the guilt of getting him sick.
For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.