A really rough and hard week...

A week of shock, surprise, and quite honestly devastation. I really can not describe the emotions of this past week to anyone except Mike because he really understands it. It has been a really rough week and someday we will understand why we went through this but right now all we know is that it happened and John is gone. Thursday night I had no idea what to expect from Mike. I sent Sydney to my parents house to spend the night so that she would not get confused about what is going on and why there is so much emotion in the house. I normally at this stage in the pregnancy take a benadryl at night to sleep and I have not wanted to just in case Mike wakes up and needs someone to talk to or just cry with but he has been doing really well. He has his moments and sometimes he wants to be alone and other times he wants someone there with him. A funny thing that happened last week was Friday he came home from his dads house and he said that he wanted to buy something...well he actually wanted to buy Sydney a nemo (clown fish) because she is obsessed with nemo. Little did he know that a clown fish is a salt water fish. So we go to pets mart and he starts to ask about the fish and they guy goes into detail about what you have to do with salt water fish. Let me tell you, its not easy, and Mike starts taking Sydney to the beta fish and saying here is a cute fish lets get this one. And in the end she did not care and the name of the fish is Nemo.

Last Friday and Saturday we spent the days going through all the stuff that we had to get done. We went to the funeral home and got all of that settled and then tried to meet with Central Christian Church to figure out the service time but that could not be done till Monday. Sunday I made sure that we just stayed home and tried to relax as much as we could. Under the circumstances it was hard but Mike and his Uncle Tom were able to get out and go see a movie which I think they needed and then we all went out for dinner together. Monday we met with the pastor of Central and found out that the service was going to be Thursday at 10:30am so we knew that we were going to have the viewing on Wednesday at 3pm. So after that meeting we started having a few things fall into place. Monday night Sydney went to my parents house for the night so that Mike and I could go through somethings without having a crazy two year old running around and driving us crazy :) (She actually has been amazing this past week and at times I think she knows something was going on and would actually either be really emotional or just give out free hugs)

Tuesday was a day of running around and getting things in order and of course family came into town so we had Sydney go over to Lisa's house and play with her kiddos so that we could go out with Mike's 3 uncles and 1 aunt. We had a great time but the whole time we were there Mike and I were thinking, "man it would have been nice if we could have met them all while John was here and just wishing that John was having dinner with us."

Wednesday was the hardest day for Mike. For the past week he was unsure if he really even wanted to see his dad, he just wanted to remember him the last time we saw him and really I did too. But in the end Mike decided to go and see him and I went with him and that was one of the hardest things that I had to be a part of. I did it for my husband and I also am glad I did because while Mike was talking to him it made me realize a few things, and I can go into that another time. After the viewing we all went to a restaurant and actually had a really good time with our families and close friends. My mom was watching Sydney for us because we did not want her to be at the viewing and so she joined us for dinner and was actually really well behaved and had a great time. She spent a lot of time between my mom and Matt. Normally she is pretty shy around Matt but that night she just wanted to hang out with him. We had a great end to a really hard day so I am very thankful for that.

Thursday we had the memorial service for John and even though it was hard it was actually very, very nice. John's brothers got to say something and a few friends and Mike had the music picked out which for me was the tear jerker parts. I cried during all the songs just because I know how much his dad meant to him and the words just tore my heart out. We had a little reception afterwards were we could eat and talk with others and it was a really nice time spent together.

Over the past week I have had a lot of time to think about things and just watch as Mike goes through one of the toughest things he has ever had to face so far in his life. I have spent a lot of time especially last Thursday and Friday really angry with John and wondering why this had to happen. I know the biblical answers...God either causes or allows things to happen but this was just thrown at us and it is really hard to understand. In the end I don't think we will ever understand why this happened but I do need to forgive him and go through that whole process. I love my husband and it is really hard to see him go through all of this pain and suffering but I know that he has set his sights on God and is striving to rely on him and it is really encouraging to watch how much he has grown over the last week. But I do sometimes wish that we did not have to go through all of this especially right now. I know that God does not give us more than we can handle so that is comforting especially with a little boy on the way. I really wish that John would be here the day that Seth is born. I would have loved for him to meet Seth and see what a wonderful little miracle his is. But we are just going to have to tell him about his grandfather and all of the wonderful things that he did and how great of a dad he was to Mike. Anyways that's enough for tonight :) Thanks for listening and also a big thanks for those of you who have been praying for our family during this really rough time, it has been greatly appreciated.