3 more days!

Well first off only 4 more days until we go on vacation to Palm Springs. I cannot wait to finally get away from the craziness of life and just spend time with family and friends. We leave this Friday and I have not even started getting things together which I really need to do, but I actually have no motivation at all to get things together. I did not travel with Sydney until she was six months old and it was to Chicago to visit my cousin who went out and got anything that I would need while I was there, like diaper, so that I did not have to pack it. This time it's not that easy so we should find that out soon. The past few days I have been pretty unmotivated which does not help when you are going on vacation in a few days and you like to have a clean house to come home too. So I really have to get busy cleaning and packing!

The past few days I have really been struggling. Struggling with thoughts, emotions, and a few other things. I don't feel that's it's necessary to go into details but I can give a slight overview ;) I look at my little boy and could not love him anymore than I do but I also wonder about the other two babies that I lost and what they would have looked like, and how much I wish that I could have been able to hold them. I know that if I would not have lost those two then I would not have Seth but I get really emotional thinking about them. I know that might sound weird and strange but I'm dealing with the emotional side of that. Also just the everyday life of the unknown with Seth. This weekend was hard for me just not sleeping very much and making sure we were able to keep Seth out of the hospital. It gets physically and emotionally draining but I am trying really hard to take it one day at a time. I know there was nothing I could have done from keeping Seth from getting a UTI he has such bad reflux it's just so hard to see you baby not feel well and then get poked with needles and catheters. I pray that his surgery will come quick so that we don't have to deal with another UTI. He is one strong little boy that has been through so much in his first month of life but God is getting us through and I will keep trying to put my strength and energy in Him but I sometimes fail and I'm really trying to work on that. Also just trying to deal with the everyday thoughts that have been consuming my life. This is one of my biggest struggles. I think way too much and I let them consume me and I everyday I have to remind myself to give my thoughts to God but lately with the stuff that Mike and I have been through I have been asking why? Not in a bad way just I guess trying to figure out what I should be learning from these trials but I know God is faithful and I will rest in that!

Vacation in 3 days! It can't come soon enough ;)